I have decided to dedicate my life to stealing pens.

Yeah everybody does "try to cure cancer" or "make a difference" but I thought I'd try to be original.

Oh, I know lots of people steal pens, but not as their life goal.

Maybe I'll even become a connoisseur and start picking them off from rich and famous people. Or scientists. Or news journalists. Or I might just go for straight up quantity and start hijacking entire pen trucks en route.

When I die, I will leave a bunch of fake treasure maps directing seekers of my vast pen wealth on perilous courses of danger and intrigue.

Fans will be able to subscribe to my Nicked Nib Rewards Program where for every five pens I steal, they get one back.

Truly, I can't help but feel that I deserve my own little inglenook of history among Hitler, Stalin, Mao Tse-tung, Art Garfunkel, and all the other greats. People will remember me in centuries to come because whenever they can't find a pen, it will be, in some small way, entirely my fault.

The Pen Pirate, Pernicious Purloiner of Pens and Pencils.