Vote me for President!

Well, lately I have been thinking about the remaining presidential contenders. They all have their various qualities, but there are also some significant drawbacks to electing them.

McCain: In my opinion a cranky old man who's a bit off his rocker is a great idea for a president, but I'm not sure I approve of his plans to round up conservatives into special camps and pee on us.

Hillary: Hillary is slightly better because her allegiance to the Dark Kingdom and hunger for human souls could do a lot to consolidate and strengthen America's power around the world and make our enemies afraid of us. The only downside would be the total usurpation of evil over all we once held dear.

Obama: Sort of like a mix between Jimmy Carter, LBJ, and Dan Quayle, if any of those people had wanted to invade Pakistan for no apparent reason. A great bet for the Republicans if they want to make GW look like not such a bad president afterall.

But upon careful reflection, I have begun to think that that there may be a better option for America. Not much better, but better all the same. A man of quasi-integrity. Well-groomed. Good at remembering to put out the trash on trashday. A man who has lead a long and, ultimately victorious struggle against his neighbor's efforts to park in his driveway. A man like me.

I am therefore announcing my independent bid for the American presidency.

To be begin with, I would like to acquaint the public with my positions on the issues:

Illegal Immigration
I will finish building the border fence, electrify it, put machine gun installations and landmines all up and down the length of it, bioengineer zombie attack dogs, create robotic assassin guards, and build a long series of tunnels underneath which are full of boobytraps that can only be disabled by complex lateral thinking.

Anyone who gets across will receive automatic citizenship and $10,000 to help them get settled in.

Gay marriage
I believe Tom Cruise should be allowed to get married.

The Drug War
To me, a drug war is when you smoke lots of a hallucinogenic substance, strip off all your clothes, paint yourself blue, and charge a Roman garrison.

So that is what the national narcotics agency will be expected to do.

Murder and theft are the sole province of government. Anyone else who wants in will have to make a generous contribution to my campaign.

I am so freaking tired of hearing about it. I hear about it on TV, I hear about it on the radio, I read about it in the news, I go to parties and guess what they are arguing about! The day I assume office I plan to withdraw all of our troops immediately and have them instead execute a prolonged military occupation of Canada.

Nobody ever talks about Canada.

I am in favor of ducks.

Government Conspiracies
Any conspiracy theories I hear I shall immediately acknowledge as true, such that they can no longer be considered conspiracies.

This is mostly just to annoy people.

Gold Standard
I plan to spend most of my spare time as president sneaking out gold bricks from Fort Knocks hidden under my suit jacket. Therefore, it would be much wiser to back the national currency with something I did not plan to steal, such as sand, or cat poop.

I don't believe in taxes, but neither do I believe in having American soldiers on the streets begging for bullet money. If you want things to be shot and blown up, you have to pony up on the bill.

To increase efficiency in tax gathering I will be disbanding the IRS and instead subcontracting out to the Italian and Russian mafias, who will receive a gross percentage. Anyone who does not want to pay taxes can take it up with them.

Socialized Healthcare
While rabidly individualist, I think there is room for a special socialized healthcare program to take care of the elderly and the infirm. I intend to model mine after the one they had in The Giver.

Net Neutrality
I won't stand for it. The internet is either with us, or against us.

If fetuses were to declare war on us or ally with an insurgency or blow up an airport, I would be the first to advocate their wholesale extermination.

But while they remain weak and non-aggressive we have no choice but to let them live.

Doomsday Device
I will build one.

So vote me for president. I will make all of your wildest dreams come true!


Stew Magoo said...

I stole your post.

(but I'll return it)