Old People Are Expensive

Cyprus women have won the right to wear trousers in court. Well, I'm still going to have to count women's lib a failure until they win the right to wear panda suits, 'cause who would want to wear trousers when you could wear a panda suit?

With people auctioning advertising space on their foreheads and pulling a tidy profit, I think it's about time to start capitalizing on some of my own stupid ideas to make money. One such idea is "Jeff Smelly", the world's first combination sandwich spread/adhesive. Imagine making delicious sandwiches out of the same subtance you use to glue your carburetor back on. I hear the venture capital pouring in by the millions already.

What kind of aid ranks in the list of the U.N.'s post-tsunami priorities? "Reproductive aid", apparently. Haha, good joke, U.N.! And here we thought you might actually have an interest in helping the hungry and homeless.

From the we're-too-dumb-to-distinguish-correlation-from-causation department, a lot of news sites are picking up on "Stay Thin by Sleeping More?". I am not a biologist, but even I see the obvious fact that unless sleep 1. burns more calories 2. alters digestion that it is not going to have a direct impact on body weight (apart from the fact that eating takes place when you're awake). But silly studies like this keep cropping up, all the same, every week.

There has been a lot of talk recently of social security reform. The major problem facing us with social security is: old people. Old people are the number one burden on social security. In fact, 100% of the people cashing in on social security are old.

So what's my solution to our national social security woes? Old People Camp. Similar in many ways to scout camp, Old People Camp will train the elderly how to live off the land, whittle canes, build bamboo wheel chairs, etc., making our elderly class entirely self-sufficient. They will be organized into bands like young adolescent Spartans, fending for themselves.

"What about those who are unwilling?" you ask. "Old people can be pretty stubborn."

That's easy! They will be liquified, just like in "The Giver"!

"Wow!" you say, "You mean you've discovered someway to recycle them?"

Well, erm, no. I just think we should liquify them. Like in "The Giver".

Now, if you will excuse me, I'm going to go sleep lose weight.