Fun Things I would do if President

  • Inaugural address: "This election Americans have made a choice. Unfortunately, they made the wrong one..."
  • Inexplicably switch parties to the "National Barking Spider Resurgence".
  • Give my political opponents bad publicity while appearing compassionate by pardoning them for non-existent warcrimes.
  • Call an international summit of world leaders in which I try and hook them on various long-distance plans from MCI.
  • Publicly order troops to not attack Canada, just to make the Canadians wonder....
  • Rap my "State of the Union" address.
  • Play musical chairs with the Secret Service.
  • Make repeated prank phone calls to France.
  • Refuse to issue press passes to any reporter unwilling to dress in tights.
  • Call a summit of world leaders in which I don't show up.
  • Several dozen times.
  • Get my head stuck in a fence.
  • Earn good will of 49 states by pardoning traffic tickets in every state except New Jersey.
  • Randomly select cabinet members out of the whitepages.
  • Put up window-bars and barbed wire around Congress and have government cartographers relabel it as a 'criminal penitentiary'.
  • Stop bathing to show the importance of water conservation.
  • Draw on the whitehouse walls with crayons; blame it on my vice president.
  • Give national addresses in which the podium conceals the fact that I'm not wearing any pants.
  • Pass along orders to the military to attack countries whose name I've made up.
  • Appoint my stuffed animal collection as Whitehouse advisors.
  • Host important conferences in which they are the only ones allowed to attend.
  • Show up to my impeachment hearing naked.
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