Inaugural address: "This election Americans have made a choice. Unfortunately, they made the wrong one..." Inexplicably switch parties to the "National Barking Spider Resurgence". Give my political opponents bad publicity while appearing compassionate by pardoning them for non-existent warcrimes. Call an international summit of world leaders in which I try and hook them on various long-distance plans from MCI. Publicly order troops to not attack Canada, just to make the Canadians wonder.... Rap my "State of the Union" address. Play musical chairs with the Secret Service. Make repeated prank phone calls to France. Refuse to issue press passes to any reporter unwilling to dress in tights. Call a summit of world leaders in which I don't show up. Several dozen times. Get my head stuck in a fence. Earn good will of 49 states by pardoning traffic tickets in every state except New Jersey. Randomly select cabinet members out of the whitepages. Put up window-bars and barbed wire around Congress and have government cartographers relabel it as a 'criminal penitentiary'. Stop bathing to show the importance of water conservation. Draw on the whitehouse walls with crayons; blame it on my vice president. Give national addresses in which the podium conceals the fact that I'm not wearing any pants. Pass along orders to the military to attack countries whose name I've made up. Appoint my stuffed animal collection as Whitehouse advisors. Host important conferences in which they are the only ones allowed to attend. Show up to my impeachment hearing naked. |
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