It is no wonder that Ponce de Leon didn't find the fountain of youth in the everglades--he was way off. It's actually in the boys' bathroom, third urinal from the left. How did we discover that drinking from the urinal endowed one with everlasting youth? Well, let's just say that it involved a triple-dog dare. Guys simply cannot resist a triple-dog dare. Remember Germany's Russia fiasco during World War II? Stalin triple-dog dared Hitler to invade Russia in the wintertime. Really. It's true.

Those who partake of the fountain's pure crystalline waters immediately become whiny and irresponsible. Their pants will swell to ten times the size of normal sized pants. And they will suddenly start listening to music indistinguishable from the noise overheard at a construction site, only louder.

Those of you who would like to try a sample of this life-restoring elixir, just send me a self-addressed stamped water bottle to the address listed under "Contact Me" on the left panel. Guaranteed to be at least twice as effective as Alex Chiu's eternal life device. (I take no responsible for braincells that spontaneously commit suicide if you decide to visit that site).

WARNING: In related scientific news, the drinking fountain out in the hall is actually the "Fountain of Impotence". Beware.