It seems to me that the primary allure of becoming a terrorist is all the cool stuff you get to do. I mean, you get to live in a dirt hole in the ground, hiding from aerial bomb strikes, with camels for companions; you get a really neat hat; you don't have to shave anymore; you don't have to use a satanic toothbrush; and, at the end of it all, you get 72 Virginians or something like that. I'm not really clear on all the technicalities.
Now, as far as stopping terrorism, blowing them into little itty bitty pieces seems like a good start. And we haven't had anymore domestic attacks since we've started doing that. But is it enough? Some have suggested that we need to get at the roots of the problem; however, I don't know that nuking Syria and Saudi Arabia would go over too well politically.
So, my proposal is two fold. First, MERCHANDISE, MERCHANDISE, MERCHANDISE! There are few things Americans do better than merchandise. We should start making Osama bin Laden action figures; Osama bin Laden t-shirts; Osama bin Laden lunchpails. Then we sell them in the middle east, thus generating massive revenues to fight the war on terror. But we wouldn't stop there. We would sell virtually everything you can think of with Osama bin Laden's name on it; and we would make most of it defective. Osama bin Laden toys would break sometimes before you even opened the package; Osama bin Laden t-shirts would shrink to 1/8th their original size in the wash; Osama bin Laden candy bars would taste like camel excrement; and customer service would be horrible. Soon, people in the middle east would come to identify Osama bin Laden's name with shoddiness and overpriced marketing gimmicks. His followers would abandon him in droves for America's slightly less shoddy and overpriced marketing gimmicks. I mean, hey, Pepsi may be a product of the Great Satan, but at least it doesn't double as a laxative like Osama Pop.
The second part of the plan is to start an Osama bin Laden presidential ticket. This will utterly annihilate whatever remnants of a positive image Osama is able to hold on to after the premier of "Osama Goes Fishing" on late night television. All of a sudden, Osama's record will be called into question. What is his position on social security? Medicaid? Medicare? Does he have ties with Halliburton? The media would hammer him when it was revealed that, not only did he not complete his service in the national guard, he never even showed up in the first place. Books would come out criticizing his role in Vietnam and possible links to Al qaeda and the Saudis. News outlets would hammer him for getting involved in a quagmire in Iraq. Talk radio would challenge his patriotism.
In short, Osama bin Laden would be buried under the bad publicity. Nobody would want to be assosciated with him, nobody would want to hang out with him, nobody would want to endorse his campaign, and, more than anything, nobody would want to buy his crappy action figures.
And, that, my friends, is how we can win the war on terror.
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