Chartwells: An Informative Excerpt

Chartwells is the company that runs the cafeteria here at NM Tech. If you haven't partaken of the joy that is Chartwells, well, here are some fun facts to enlighten you on what you're missing:

  • Scientists theorize that one day simple chemical refinement could lead to a way to turn Chartwells into food.
  • If you sneak Chartwells out of the cafeteria, you may be charged with felony possession of a biological weapon.
  • You may be able to show in court that there is not yet sufficient scientific evidence to prove that Chartwells is in fact biological.
  • Studies show that Chartwells' costs of production are reduced when the market cost of dehydrated cardboard granules goes down.
  • Chartwells is great for diets because it takes more energy to digest than it provides once digested.
  • Chartwells does not need to be cooked because the food itself will kill any microbial organisms so presumptuous as to try and live in it.
  • Chartwells products that are not eaten will continue to reappear for the next couple weeks until they eventually end up in the stew.
  • Sometimes even new food will end up in the stew, if the stew decides it wants a snack.
  • Once a month, the stew will break free, leaving behind a path of terror and destruction in its wake.
  • Do not eat the stew.
  • In medieval times, before refrigeration, spices were valued for their ability to coverup the taste of decay in meats. Chartwells proudly carries on this heritage.
  • At one time, the Chartwells salad bar was closed for over a month and students were forced to resort to cannibalism to survive.
  • Chartwells can be used to repel werewolves, vampires, and anything else with tastebuds.
  • If you are trapped on a desert island with nothing but wooden crates and Chartwells, burn Chartwells for warmth and eat the crates.