I have found my calling: the manufacture of ghetto medical equipment

Ghetto medical equipment has two principal advantages:
(1) It is much cheaper than officially tested and certified equipment.
(2) Using it instills your patients with an appropriate sense of fear.

First, I present my weekend project, an ophthalmoscope:

Made from PVC, binoculars, a digital camera, a child's toy, and some miscellaneous salvaged electronics parts, this device comes with an ON and OFF setting.

Now, of course, you can't be a doctor with just an ophtalmoscope, but I have some other ideas, too:

ECG (electrocardiograph): basically just an oscilloscope, which I already have. Granted, an oscilloscope won't beep when the patient flatlines, but in this economy we cannot afford to entertain such needless frivolities.
Colonoscope: a plumber's snake and a webcam should do the trick.
Anesthetic: ice for topical/local anesthetic, booze for general anesthetic. (being a ghetto physician in the 21st century is a lot like being a perfectly respectable physician in the 19th century)

Anyway, if anyone wants some free medical treatment, I am going to need some practice before I open my doors to the general public.


Blonde Goddess said...

I'd be willing to help out as long as there is no penetration involved. I need an eye exam in the worst way. This morning I tried to brush my teeth with A&D ointment.

Hatless in Hattiesburg said...

just planning ahead for obamacare, huh? :D

sackofcatfood said...

Miss Goddess:
The procedure is totally non-invasive; however, if my patients start screaming I usually jab them with a tranquilizer.

I suppose as an alternative I could try turning up the volume on my iPod.

I am, after all, a capitalist!

Taylor Turpen said...

Hahaha that's awesome