Upon entering my house, you might find the atmosphere mildly inviting. A big comfy chair in the living room. A pool of sunlight filtering in through the branches of the trees out front. A thin, lightly splotched carpet, which eeked out the last of its useful life during the 60s, but which will probably never be replaced.

By the time you have noticed these things, the light from your eyes is already fading, your cheeks have paled, your forehead is clammy, and you peer up from the floor amidst a discombobulated pile of your own limbs, gazing into four pairs of dark, unfeeling eyes. You have met my cats. They killed you. Sorry.

You may be thinking that this scenario is mere hyperbole. Permit me then, Mr. Skeptic, to introduce the ferocious felines with which I cohabitate:

Sassy Shoelicker.
A sexy double agent who has racked up a fish and lizard body count to rival Thug Behram. Reach down to stroke her supple, alluring belly, and you will find yourself in a death grip, her powerful back feet rending you at their leisure.


Joe 'Sharpclaws' McMuggins.
A retired brawler, Joe is known inside and outside of alleys all the way to the east coast. His thick coat makes him impervious to most forms of attack, and his sharp claws are the last say in any dispute.


Shaykh Muhammad al-Haafidth.
An Islamist convert and militant formerly known as "Pooty Scruffball." af-Haafidth has a talent for disappearing and operating behind the scenes. She frequently uses biological agents to disable footware, leaving the unsuspecting target to hobble back to safety, if he can make it.


Dr. Lisa Mindrender.
Packing 27 pounds of pure hatred and an IQ that can only be described as evil, Dr. Lisa Mindrender is one of the most villainous characters in modern history. Her league of disreputable henchcats has terrorized the globe, decimating the sock market and advancing global warming through a calculated pogrom of potted house plants.


And I live here, too!

A more wretched hive of scum and villainy there never was.