Wild-ish Southwest: "How The West Was Zoned"

It was high-noon, and the sun beat down on the citizens of Fictitious, Texas, like a Cincinatti police batallion on a black guy reaching for his wallet. Even the ubiquitous cacti swooned under the sun, and the quiet of the barren landscape was punctuated only by the occasional sand lizard popping in the heat. Each resounding "POP!" brought a touch of sympathy from the people of Fictitious, who were seeking refuge from the heat in their rickety shacks and houses. The sand lizards, however, did not feel sorry for themselves in the least. A particularly intent listener would notice that each explosion was immediately followed by something of a soft series of chortles, such as only a sand lizard can make. Indeed, the lizards thought th was entirely hilarious, and not a few of them were secretly hoping to be the next to pop.

Yet, the easy going attitude of the sand lizards did not stop them from scurrying in fear when a certain fierce silhouette appeared in the horizon. It was Eskimo Jack, a man so mean, so intimidatingly evil, only the use of excessive literary hyperbole could possibly convey to you how mind-boggling bad he was.

He strutted toward the town, stopping every few minutes to pull up his pants and sneer at things. Finally, after much strutting and sneering, he stopped at the edge of the town.

"So... Eskimo Jack!"
"Sheriff Wilhelm."
"You aren't much cared for around these parts, Jack. You better get."
"Fictitious is my town. Nobody tells me to 'get' from my town."
"This town isn't big enough fer the both of us."
"That's right, it ain't."
"Then we'll just have discuss a plan for spurring economic development with the city planning office, won't we?"
"Yes. We will need to offer tax incentives to prospective businesses, build roads to route traffic around the city, create a system of public transport, and market our city as desirable place of residence."
"I will start circulating a petition to get some of these initiatives on the next ballot!"
"I will write letters of support to the mayor's office penned under many different names!"

Thus, Eskimo Jack and Sheriff Wilhelm went their separate ways, but little did they suspect the terror that would force them together again. . .

Stay tuned for the next issue of Wild-ish Southwest!