Spam, spam, spam, lovely spam, spam, spam!

Today, I received the following SPAM:

Dear Webmaster,
We have websites on various topics that have high PageRank. I am writing to ask you
for a website link exchange that will be mutually beneficial. If you are interested
please contact me and I will give you all the relevant details. If you have a
webmaster please pass this on to him/her so he can deal with our request.
Best Regards, Martinez Ruth.

This was my response:

Dear Spammaster,

I would be most happy to have your link on my site to further you diabolical goal of obtaining more webtraffic.

However, just like all the other sites that I link to, you will have to pass certain rights of passage to establish your worthiness.

You will have to
(1)Write a program that can identify violations of the subjunctive mood in no less than 3 (three) languages.
(2)Compute the definite integral of e to the negative ct over t times sine root t with respect to t from zero to infinity. You may use a calculator if you wish, but take note that you are expected to compute this integral while juggling steak knives, so it might be best not to distract yourself too much.
(3)Write an essay, ode, epic poem, and technical documentation to the greatness of me, my website, and my cat. Please take into consideration that Fluffymuffigus is offended by words that contain the letter "e", so do try to avoid them.
(4)Defeat an Irishman and a Scottsman in combat while smattering drunk. Out of fairness you will be permitted to wear a kilt, if you so choose.
(5)Fetch me a shrubbery.

I realize that these may seem rather stringent requirements, but it wouldn't be fair for me to just link to you when everyone else I have linked to has had to pass these five tests.

I hope we can work out a linkage arrangement that will benefit both you and your entire collective of protozoan spam ooze.