Pilot for a Great Reality TV Show

When Survivor premiered (and started that awful reality-TV blitz) I'll confess to thinking it would be quite cool. I figured it would be about as close as you could legally get to bringing back the gladiatorial games.

Instead, it turned out to be more like a bunch of city folk going camping for the first time. Civilization was not a continent away, it was a cruise ship away--the contestants could get full medical attention and/or go home whenever they felt like it. It was less like being shipwrecked and more like going to Canada and losing your passport. In a show called "Surivor" I want the last person there to be the last person who survives, not the last person to get 'voted off.' The winner should not receive 'immunity' but rather the greatest prize that it is possible to give anyone: the gift of not being mauled to death by ravenous wild animals like the other contestants.

However, even with the constraints, myself and a few friends could make the show very interesting. I figure we would start off by inventing our own gibberish language. We would paint ourselves with mud, hangout away from the group, and occasionally single someone out and point at them whilst rubbing our bellies or such. During the night, we would steal all of the supplies and burn them, including everyone's left shoe. In the morning, one of us would blame it on faeries.

We would subsequently discover an overwhelming moral compunction for the causes espoused by PETA, and dedicate part of our time to alerting wildlife and fish that they were being hunted. Should our party discover any tofu plants or edible berries, we likewise would make a point of shouting to warn the hapless foliage also.

Of course, we would need to each focus on particular persons to harass, so that the tribal council vote would be divided among us. Meanwhile, we would block-vote the host off of the island, or maybe a member of the camera crew.

After driving the other contestants suitably insane, we would turn on the host and the camera crew, holding them ransom for a getaway boat and usurping their media equipment to shoot puppet shows. (the show must go on!)

In the end, I think any reality show could have the potential to be entertaining, provide that the principle aim is to have some plants drive the other contestants insane and thwart/circumvent the rules at every available opportunity.