This is just the first part of the story. I'll have the rest posted by the end of tonight, but since I've ye all waiting, I figured it wouldn't hurt to goahead and post the first part.
"It's true, Sarah, Santa is a criminal."
"But he gives presents to all the children of the world!"
"That's just it, Sarah. I checked Mom and Dad's credit card statements last Christmas and found entries for all of our presents. Do you know what that means?"
"Santa STOLE Mom and Dad's credit cards to buy our gifts!"
"But, Johnny, why would he do that?"
"It's called wealth redistribution, Sarah. Santa is redistributing the wealth of parents to their children so that he can count on our support at the critical time when he stages a coup to TAKE OVER THE WORLD! But he must be stopped! At any price!"
* * *
"But Osama bin Pappy, whatever are you doing driving a cab in New York? I thought you would be, you know, doing terrorist stuff."
Osama bin Pappy looked condescedingly at Osama bin Laden, his Osama bin Son, as if he were the densest terrorist on the planet.
"That's our cover, Osama bin Son. All New York cabbies are terrorists. It's the only job you can get in America if you put 'killing unarmed civilians' on your resume."
"But ALL cabies are terrorists? Every last one?"
"Well, a few are space aliens and serial killers, but they mostly keep to themselves."
"This is our stop."
Osama bin Pappy pulled into a dark alleyway behind a shopping mall and parked the cab. He pulled out a copy of the latest catalogue for "Home Decorating and Demolitions" and flipped it to one of the inserts.
"You see this, Osama bin Son? This is the ultimate suicide bomber belt."
Osama bin Pappy pointed at an image of a man tied to an ICBM with rope.
"With this suicide bomber belt, we can wipe out an American city. The Americans will have no choice but to yield to our demands. Or possibly they will just obliterate every terrorist-harboring nation in the world with a fullscale retaliatory strike. But either way, it's a pretty cool belt."
"But where do I come in?"
"Since Bush froze our funds from the ACLU, we do not have enough money to buy the ultimate suicide bomber belt. However, inside that building is a representative of a fat, glutonous American infidel known as "Santa Claus". Every Christmas, Santa delivers presents to all the infidel Western children who are good. Unfortunately, none of us has a clean slate this year... except for you. You have been such a miserable failure as a terrorist that about the worst thing you have done this year is release comical videos clips to American news organizations. According to my sources, because of your incompetence you are still on Santa's "nice list"."
"I need you to go in that building and sit on Santa's representative's lap. You are to ask for an ultimate suicide bomber belt. Once Santa makes his delivery, we will commit the greatest atrocity the world has ever known!"
"But then I won't be on Santa's nice list anymore!"
"Silence! You must do as I say, Osama bin Son. Or else no camel spit cookies for Christmas!"
Osama bin Laden looked down sadly.
- earth day
- green toilet
- harsh realities
- interior decorating
- white people