Day in and day out, people on the internet keep griping about secret NSA wiretapping, second only to high gas prices and their podiatal problems.

Now, personally, I don't care if the NSA listens in, because whenever I organize terroristy dealings I always make sure to encrypt my calls and talk in my best Keanu Reeves accent. That way, even if the government uses quantum computers to break my 4096-bit AES encryption, I can always just say I lent Keanu Reeves my phone. Worst case scenario is that they arrest him and the film industry has no choice but to populate major action roles with people who can actually act.

What I don't get is why the NSA decided to let us know about their secret program, even using their operatives in the news media to inundate us with the fact? Clearly, they no longer want terrorists to disclose their dastardly plots over the telephone.

I blame girls.

Back in my younger days (before everyone had cell phones) I used to do a little phone tapping of my own. I had built my own phone that looked like a brick with a lovely cardboard sheeth and would splice it into phone jacks and listen to my little sister talk to her friends. The only problem with this is that they never talked about anything cool like secret girl passphrases and handshakes, dinosaurs with lasers mounted on their heads, or different insects they had been dared to eat. Instead, they talked about boring girl stuff such as clothes, 'N Sync, cute boys, not cute boys, and probably a bunch of stuff that I could not bring myself to listen to. Now, consider that each one of these topics could comprise an entire phone call, which might last for several hours, maybe even days--I think they were so boring and monotonous that they brought time itself to a drowsy trickle.

Whatsmore, consider that there are millions--millions--of teenage girls out there, and now they all have personal cellphones that they are talking on at every conceivable moment of the day, interrupted only by the brief periods of time during which they pause for oxygen and to send text messages.

I can only imagine the voluminous hordes of NSA staff members who have gone comatose trying to collect intelligence data only to stumble across one of these conversations and have all their years of training sucked out of their brains and replaced with an encyclopedic knowledge of lipstick colors that would go good with green flip flops. (I doubt any but the most veteran of husbands has enough experience ignoring what women say to come out unscathed.)

So, in a brilliant tactical move, the NSA decided to let everyone know that their phones were tapped, thus causing terrorists to choose more conveniently monitored mediums of communication, such as email and passing notes in class.

"Ahkmed! I see that note! Get back in your seat this instance or I am going to read your embassy plot to the whole class, including that man in the back in dark sunglasses whose secret purpose remains mysterious and highly-classified!"