Living sequestered away in the little town that I do with a great wealth of school work and such, life does not present many opportunities to participate in movie going.
But, in a grand epiphany, I have reflected on the fact that a lack of experience has never stopped me from doing a great deal more dangerous things--free climbing, trashcan durbies, ethanol combustion based dormroom insect control. . . why should a lack of experience stop me from doing altogether less plausibly-fatal activities?
So, based sheerly on insufficient knowledge and whatever clairvoyance I might possess, I present the following plot summations of recent movies to service you, the potential viewer:
Ice Age: The Meltdown
Environmentalists decry the increased output of greenhouse gases caused by caveman campfires and point to receding glaciers as clear evidence that humanity is at fault. Their predictions of cataclysmic destruction go ignored by the ruthless cromagnon corporations, and eventually, Australia becomes a pretty nice place to live.
A movie about the impact that adult t-cell lymphona has had on the approach to learning of the audit team leader of the assosciation of teachers and lecturer's advanced technology labs.
A documentary of Newton's Law of Cooling as applied to people who sit on park benches.
Lucky Number Slevin
The harrowing escapades of a group of producers who, diagnosed with a severe and terminal case of writers' block, decide to make slight puns of common phrases and come up with crappy dialogue and action sequences to justify using them as movie titles.
V for Vendetaa
The nineteenth sequel to the original classic, ?C is for Cookie.?
Poor spelling ability leads a group of girls down the road to ostracision. They respond to the emotional trauma of societal rejection by consuming atypically large quantities of fatty foods.
She's the Man
Poor people and minority groups discover that all of their problems caused by ?The Man? have actually been the workings of one very sinester female.
Thankyou for Smoking
Crack dealers start a customer appreciation program which includes complementary lapel pins and a chance to earn frequent flyer miles with local airlines.
When a Stranger Calls
A polite conversation between a little old lady and a middle aged gentleman who has mistakenly dialed her number.
Final Destination 3
In a suprise twist, it turns out that Final Destination 1 and Final Destination 2 were not actually the final destination, but rather, mere precursors to the present destination, which is the actual final destination.
A group of island natives strives to overthrow a group of oppressive British colonizers by awkwardly juxtapositioning the consonants in words so as to make their pronounciation particularly inconvenient.
The New World
This one I *have* seen. It's about Pocahontas standing in a field with some guy and not saying anything for a quarter of an hour, followed by a brief interlude, then more standing in a field not saying anything. The climax of this actionless, dialogless movie is when the Indian princess finally dies and the movie goers who are still awake quietly proceed to the nearest exit.
The World's Fastest Indian
A remake of The New World in which, instead of spending inordinate amounts of time enjoying the wonders of walking through grass, Pocahontas is strapped to an experimental rocket engine.
The Hills Have Eyes
Geologists and biologists team up to produce a lump of dirt with optically sensitive peripherals. It eventually decides to overthrow its masters and indulge in a carnivorous rampage across the country side, but with a locomotive rate of only thirty feet every hundred thousand years, its antics goes mostly unnoticed.
A conniving secondary student decrements the music building's temperature controls by eight degrees.
- earth day
- green toilet
- harsh realities
- interior decorating
- white people