Finals merged into work and Christmas shopping / wrapping / baking / card procurement / etc., so alas I have been most impossibly busy lately.
On the note of holiday gift giving, those of you still puzzeling over what to get that special someone may learn from my expertise:
Mom and Dad
Mom and Dad are boring. Hence, they will want boring gifts, like a tie or a book or a stock market analyst.
If your sibling still believes in Santa Clause, I recommend sneaking a lump of coal into his/her stalking. Otherwise, just hit him/her with a waterballoon or snowball.
Distant relatives are usually weird. Keep in mind that you yourself are a distant relative to your distant relatives, and hence have a certain weirdness quotient to maintain. Give them something cheap and inexplicable. They will simply think you are being eccentric.
Coworkers provide an excellent disposal mechanism for unwanted fruitcakes.
If you buy your teacher a gift the other kids will think you are a suck up and beat you after class. It is probably best just to put a thumbtack or superglue on your teacher's chair. Make sure it is a very Christmassy thumb tack.
Anonymous Internet People
You're in luck! Guys are easy to shop for! Just get them something that meets any of the following criteria:
Alright, let's be blunt, if you are trying to find a gift for a girl, you are basically already screwed. Like guys, girls have some simple gift criteria:
I recommend skipping the gift altogether and faking your own death. It is a lot easier, and afterwards you won't have to pay taxes.
Personally, I tend cop out and get girls whatever *I* think is cool, and spend as much on it as I feel like spending. It's a given that, for various reasons, I get in trouble, but that's just the way it's going to be unless the girls in question (1) tell / intimate to me what they would like or (2) develop and rational sense of materialistic desire that is easily discernible to members of the opposing gender.
- earth day
- green toilet
- harsh realities
- interior decorating
- white people