Finals merged into work and Christmas shopping / wrapping / baking / card procurement / etc., so alas I have been most impossibly busy lately.

On the note of holiday gift giving, those of you still puzzeling over what to get that special someone may learn from my expertise:

Mom and Dad
Mom and Dad are boring. Hence, they will want boring gifts, like a tie or a book or a stock market analyst.

Siblings
If your sibling still believes in Santa Clause, I recommend sneaking a lump of coal into his/her stalking. Otherwise, just hit him/her with a waterballoon or snowball.

Distant Relatives
Distant relatives are usually weird. Keep in mind that you yourself are a distant relative to your distant relatives, and hence have a certain weirdness quotient to maintain. Give them something cheap and inexplicable. They will simply think you are being eccentric.

Coworkers
Coworkers provide an excellent disposal mechanism for unwanted fruitcakes.

Teachers
If you buy your teacher a gift the other kids will think you are a suck up and beat you after class. It is probably best just to put a thumbtack or superglue on your teacher's chair. Make sure it is a very Christmassy thumb tack.

Anonymous Internet People

Guys
You're in luck! Guys are easy to shop for! Just get them something that meets any of the following criteria:

• Cool
• Dangerous
• Funny
  
• Expensive
• Useful
  
• Destructive
  

and they are guaranteed to love your gift!

Girls
Alright, let's be blunt, if you are trying to find a gift for a girl, you are basically already screwed. Like guys, girls have some simple gift criteria:

• Cute
• Funny
• Sweet
• Useful
  
• Expensive
• Thoughtful
• Sparkly
  

However, you must meet several of those criteria in various ratios that you have positively no way of knowing. If you somehow end up choosing wrongly, this can result in yelling, crying, or even silent disapproval. Silent disapproval is the worst because while she will smile and thank you she will secretly think that you are the biggest booger who ever lived and tell all her friends, who will tell all their friends, who will eventually tell every girl on planet earth, as well as any females who happen to be orbiting on the International Space Station.

I recommend skipping the gift altogether and faking your own death. It is a lot easier, and afterwards you won't have to pay taxes.

Personally, I tend cop out and get girls whatever *I* think is cool, and spend as much on it as I feel like spending. It's a given that, for various reasons, I get in trouble, but that's just the way it's going to be unless the girls in question (1) tell / intimate to me what they would like or (2) develop and rational sense of materialistic desire that is easily discernible to members of the opposing gender.