"Ha ha!" cackled Dr. Diablo. His shrill cry reverberated through his cavernous lair like a blast of mentally-unstable thunder. "At last I have captured all who would dare to interfere with my maniacal plans! With Sir Justice and his faithful sidekick--er... whoever you are--finally out of the picture, I shall unleash fiery and unpleasant doom upon the populace!"
Sir Justice and his unknown sidekick squirmed impotently within the confines of their bonds. They were helpless to resist the fate that Dr. Diablo had prepared for them and the rest of humanity. Just across from them his Doomray pulsed a vibrant blue, illuminating the underground facility in a eerie wash of color as it was charging to full capacity. Once it reached critical energy, the rural northeastern portion of Lancaster County, Nebraska would be completely vaporized. (In the interest of the safety of my readers with heart problems, I am here obligated to divulge that this terrible scenario does not in fact occur. However, to maintain an atmosphere of mystery, I will refrain from mentioning the precise nature of this non-occurence.)
Dr. Diablo now turned to his lovely lab assistant, Ms. Expendable.
"Ms. Expendable, won't you please--"
He was interrupted as Ms. Expendable was summarily shot dead and collapsed in a heap, revealing the ominous figure of Seemingly-Innocuous Man.
"Oh! Hi Seemingly-Innocuous Man! I didn't see you come in! Say, I don't suppose you might have seen any assassins lurking about? My lab assistant has been mysteriously shot."
Seemingly-Innocuous Man proceeded to re-holster his smoking gun and sweep the sweat from his furrowed brow.
"Actually, I was wondering about a Deathray I had heard that you had. Is it somewhere here abouts?"
"In fact, it is right over there. I was just about to use it to destroy this here rural northeastern portion of Lancaster County. A diabolically insidious plot, if I do say so myself!"
"Does it have a self-destruct?"
"Why, yes! That control panel right over there is it... the keycode is 4584937. Don't tell anyone though, there have been some superheros out trying to destroy it!"
"Oh, ok. Thanks bunches."
"Now, where was I... oh, yes! DOOOM! TERRIBLE AWFUL DOOOOM!!!"
Dr. Diablo howled with laughter. Meanwhile, Seemingly-Innocuous Man quietly made his way over to the secret control panel and entered the self-destruct unlock code. Dr. Diablo continued to cackle as Seemingly-Innocuous Man ventured over to the imprisoned heros and freed them of their bonds. As they were making their way out the helpfully illuminated emergency exit, Dr. Diablo finally ceased his maniacal laughing and notice the absence of his captives.
"T-minus 30 seconds to self-destruction," boomed a voice overhead.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! HOW COULD THIS HAVE HAPPENED!?" he wailed.
Seemingly-Innocuous Man only shrugged. Some mysteries would never be known.
- earth day
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