History of Antarctica

I've decided today to take on a new leaf and try and be informative for once. So I'm going to tell you all about the mysterious continent of Antarctica.

Antarctica comes from the Latin word "antarticus" meaning "crap its cold".

In the age of the dinosaurs, Antarctica used to be a tropical paradise. All the cool dinosaurs would totally hangout there on weekends and sip pina coladas. Eventually, a whole dinosaur civilization sprung up around Antarctica. They developed a system of writing, a code of law, electricity, fusion power, and even Twinkies.

Unfortunately, they also invented refridgeration, which did prove to be a wonderful convenience until the one time a young stegasaurus neglected to properly shut his freezer door. Antarctica froze solid overnight, and as the dinosaurs had only cheap Hawaiian shirts to protect themselves from the cold, they all perished. Then, to top it all off, earth was struck by a giant meteorite.

Antarctica remained a barren, frozen, uninhabitable wasteland, much like modern day Canada.

Eventually, some explorers showed up. And froze to death. They were followed by more explorers, who also froze death. After several expeditions, Spain sent a party of explorers who successfully made it ashore. And immediately froze to death.

Most countries gave up on Antarctica. They did not see any profit in sending any more failed expeditions. That was, of course, until the industrial revolution, when Henry Hukkins, a British entrepreneur, had the idea to mine Antarctica for ice cubes, which he would then ship back to England for resale. Being a brilliant engineer, Hukkins easily created a successful ice cube drilling facility capable of enduring the Antarctic cold. Unfortunately, the ice would melt over the course of the three month trip back to Britain. To salvage his business, Hukkins was forced to market his ice cubes as "lukewarm ice" (which is British for "water"). Hukkins' miserable failure is why, to this very day, the British still drink warm beer.

In modern day, there is still not much interest in Antarctica. Some scientists say that it is melting because of global warming, and soon all earth's coastal areas will be flooded. The real reason Antarctica is melting, of course, is because the ancient dinosaur freezer is starting to give out.

But don't worry, there is nothing important on the coasts. In fact, with any luck, Hollywood will be one of the first cities to be submerged under the sea.

So the moral is "always always always shut the freezer door". If the world freezes over again, Canadians will probably be the only ones to survive. And that would be really, really embarrassing for the rest of mankind.