Most of us know aliens exist. We know this because we have experienced riding the city bus. But are they friends? Or are they foes?

The first thing to know about aliens is that they have strange musical tastes and can have conversations with fax machines. They also enjoy abducting people. Especially supermodels.

Some aliens live disguised among us. If you suspect that someone you know might be an alien, you should count the number of tentacles they have. If the number is greater than zero, they are probably an alien.

You can also identify aliens through the "Alien Identification" test. To use this test, approach your suspected alien and wave. As you draw closer, smile. Now comes the important part. Say, "Hey, how are you doing? How is the weather. . . YOU FREAKISH EXTRATERRISTIAL FLESH-EATING BEASTIE FROM OUTERSPACE! " At this point, most aliens (who have undergone extensive infiltration training on keeping their cool) will pretend like they're a completely normal human being who has been wrongfully accused of being an alien. This is how you will know they are an alien.

Now is your chance to attack! Hit them on the head with something! They will probably mutter some gibberish words in the language of their homeworld like "YEOWWW!" or "AIIIIIEEEEEE!" Press on with the attack! Every second you are not thwapping them on the head is an opportunity for them to reach for their Death Ray.

Of course, not all aliens choose to live among us. Many only visit earth on select alien holidays to perform abductions and random probings. Why do they do this, you ask? Well, it's all David Copperfields fault. He was the first person ever abducted by aliens, and to amuse them, he pulled a quarter out of his ear. Ever since, the aliens have been trying to figure out how he did that.

If you want to avoid getting abducted, try getting yourself skunked, or being French. Aliens have a very sensitive sense of smell. You might also try wearing a Pat Buchanan campaign button (also good for getting out of jury duty). Another strategy is eat like Michael Moore. Man, can you imagine a bunch of skinny little gray aliens trying to push that massive blob down the corridors of their spacecraft? Ain't gonna happen.

But if you are abducted have no fears, don't worry. Just try and enjoy yourself. If you try hard enough, you'll probably really freak them out.