Explanations of these events:
a) I did myself, and either got in trouble or commended. (I had a Major shake my hand for the piss bottle thing, for instance.)
b) I witnessed another soldier do it. (Like the Sergeant we had, that basically went insane, and crucified some dead mice.)
c) Was spontaneously informed I was not allowed to do. (Like start a porn studio.)
d) Was the result of a clarification of the above. (?What about especially patriotic porn??)
e) I was just minding my own business, when something happened. (?Schwarz...what is *that*?? said the Sgt, as he pointed to the back of my car? "Um....a rubber sheep...I can explain why that's there....")
To explain how I've stayed out of jail/alive/not beaten up too badly..... I'm funny, so they let me live.
The 213 Things...
1. Not allowed to watch Southpark when I'm supposed to be working.
2. My proper military title is "Specialist Schwarz" not "Princess Anastasia".
3. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.
4. Not allowed to challenge anyone's disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.
5. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.
6. Not allowed to play ?Pulp Fiction? with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer.
7. Not allowed to add ?In accordance with the prophesy? to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.
8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don't like to War Criminal posters.
9. Not allowed to title any product ?Get Over it?.
10. Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on government time.
11. Not allowed to join the Communist Party.
12. Not allowed to join any militia.
13. Not allowed to form any militia.
14. Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo.
15. Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to ?Sic Brass!?
16. Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my ?Samson like powers?.
17. God may not contradict any of my orders.
18. May no longer perform my now (in)famous ?Barbie Girl Dance? while on duty.
19. May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I'm right.
20. Must not taunt the French any more.
21. Must attempt to not antagonize SAS.
22. Must never call an SAS a ?Wanker?.
23. Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they've been smoking crack.
24. Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it's true.
- earth day
- green toilet
- harsh realities
- interior decorating
- white people