I recently (two weeks ago) received a new bike for my birthday. Which is fortunate, because this previous weekend both my old bike and my roommate's bike were rescued from our possession by some unsavory freelance Marxists.

I can only imagine the level of desperation which might cause someone to want to steal the crap-on-wheels that served in the capacity of my former mode of transport. It's almost as low as stealing sugar packets from McDonalds. I'm talking about the crappy saccharine substitute that tastes vaguely like Lysol. If someone's stealing those, they're either klepto or missing a few chromosomes.

Ah! But I should tell you about my old bike's impressive resume: For a long time now, the brakes have not worked. The shiftable gears have gone from 27 to 3 to 1. The handle bars are bent, the primary gears are bent, there are various dints and dings not the least of which from last year's surprise hailstorm. I have frequently heard pieces fall off of it... I can only guess what their importance was to its functionality. When you ride it, it makes a somewhat embarrassing squeeking sound--think badger mating call--and moves with a reluctance I've seen elsewhere only in death row inmates going to the gas chamber and high school seniors going to class. Furthermore, the teeth on the gears are half-missing. In consequence, you cannot ride up any slopes. If you try the chain will just skip. And then the bike will fall over on top of you and probably squeek a bit for good measure.

So I don't really care that it's missing. In fact, I sympathize with the individual who stole it: he probably suffers from some form of severe medical retardation if he thought taking it was worth his while. My biggest concern, however, is lawsuits. What if the person who stole my bike tries to pull off a heist? They might be expecting a quality getaway bike. Instead, they will first discover that they cannot ride uphill. Thwarted, they will about face and zoom as fast as possible downhill, until the first major intersection, whereat they shall quickly learn a very important lesson about my non-functional brakes, the kind of lesson that involves an oncoming truck and lots of screaming.

In the modern age, I wouldn't be suprised if they decided to sue me afterward (provided there was an afterward).

My present plan is to claim that I stole it from someone else. You know, pass the buck. As long as I maintain I'm a thief the system of justice shall protect me!