The economy is in peril. Markets are crashing. Banks are failing. My cat has severe nasal congestion. Things could not possibly get any worse. (Well, not until November 4th, anyway.) To quote one Nobel Prize winning economist, "AHHHHHHHHH!"

But I urge you not to panic. There are steps you can take to mitigate the impact on your finances. For example, if you are the CEO of a failed banking enterprise, you can always accept a multimillion dollar severance package when your firm is bought out by taxpayers. If, however, you are not a CEO of a failed banking enterprise, you may as well re-invest your IRA retirement fund in buying a nice pair of hobo pants.

Just kidding! As usual, I have the solution.

One of the major problems at present is a loss of market liquidity. For some undecipherable reason, nobody wants to loan out money now that nobody is paying back their loans. The problem is that it just doesn't seem like such a good idea. Nor does investing in stocks, houses, securities, etc., on account of all of these things being totally worthless.

But, as it turns out, capitalism has already developed extensive technology and resources to solve this exact problem. That's right! It's about time we brought to bear the forces of the Consumer Market on the Financial Market.

I'm talking two-for-one deals on failed banks, cheesy commercials with Mr. T saying he pities the foo' that doesn't buy up inner-city condominiums, frequent flyer miles included with every purchase of Mortgage Backed Securities. We could have a million dollar sweepstakes giveaway where every Morgan Stanley stock has a peel-a-way Monopoly board sticker on it. You know, gimmicky things that trick people into buying stuff they really shouldn't.

"Mommy, look! I found a free Credit Default Swap in my cereal box!"
"That's great, honey! Collect 12 and you can trade them in for a stuffed dinosaur!"

Stock traders could also capitalize on the very reliable parents-of-petulant-four-year-olds demographic by vending stocks at supermarket checkout lines attached to Pop Rocks or small breakable action figures.

And have I mentioned late night infomercials?

Clearly there is a huge segment of the American economy that is dedicated to buying useless crap for way more than it's worth, and it is precisely this segment of the economy that financial institutions need to start tapping into.