Ryan's Guide to Clean and Friendly College Living

Problem: "I hate making my bed, but when I don't, people think I'm slobbish and uncouth. What should I do?"
Solution: Sleep on the covers. Your bed will always be made, and you'll never have to make it.
As a bonus, if someone had hidden poisonous scorpions under your sheets in an attempt to assassinate you, they would fail miserably and have only a few squished arachnids for their trouble.

Problem: "I am feeling a sharp pain in my chest and shortness of breath. The world is slowly going dark."
Solution: You are having a heart attack. Save any important documents, inform your WoW raiding party that you may be out for the night, turn off your computer, and seek medical attention.

Problem: "My roommate's feet smell like a raccoon whose body has died but whose various glandular disorders live on and thrive."
Solution: Try talking with him about it. Then fill his shoes with dish soap while he sleeps.

Problem: "I am hungry, but the fridge is out of reach."
Solution: Do not despair, pizza can be ordered.

Problem: "The phone is also out of reach!"
Solution: Now you can despair.

Problem: "I have a research paper due in half an hour!"
Solution: Spend half an hour contemplating possible resolutions to this problem.

Problem: "My roommate listens to crappy music."
Solution: Smash his computer with a hammer. Blame faeries.

Problem: "Science is attacking me."
Solution: Deliver a solid roundhouse kick to science.

Problem: "Friends, family, and unknown citizens have been complaining about my body odor--usually by telephone and postcard--but I don't particularly feel like taking a shower."
Solution: A can of Febreeze may take you places. In fact, if you use too much of it in an enclosed space, you may wind up riding a tie-dye carasel through outerspace wondering why ducks are so freaking cool.

Problem: "My dorm is being haunted by poltergeists."
Solution: See if you can stuff one up your nose. I've always wondered if it was possible to do this.