The Vet Who Surprised A Cow

In the course of his duties in August 1977, a Dutch veterinary surgeon was required to treat an ailing cow. To investigate its internal gases he inserted a tube into that end of the animal not capable of facial expression and struck a match. The jet of flame set fire first to some bales of hay and then to the whole farm causing damage estimate at L45,000. The vet was later fined L140 for starting a fire in a manner surprising to the magistrates. The cow escaped with shock.
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"

To some, this may seem like an innocent scientific discovery, with possible humanitarian applications, but the truth is much more dire.

The begginings of rebellion are brewing among our enslaved cattle livestock. Too long have they toiled under our reign only to satiate our all-consuming hunger. Surely, they yearn for the day when they can cast off the shackles of their dominion and subjugate mankind, issuing in a new era of bovine rule.

Once they master flame throwers, it is only the beginning. Remember, the discovery of fire by Prometheus was what set mankind down the road of technology. Once cows learn how to project flames out their butts, it is only a matter of time before they discover monarchy, electricity, the computer, and cybernetic machine gun implants. Imagine a super-race of 600 pound kine with cybernetically implanted machine gun turrets on their backs, nightvision, and rear-mounted self-sustaining flame throwers paratrooping into Washington D.C by the thousands. The battle would be swift and merciless. The fate of human civilization would teeter on a precipice.

So, remember, kids, always eat your stake. You can stuff your vegetables in your socks or give them to the cat; but let Cow-Prometheus escape un-eaten, and it is nigh-certain that mankind will be doomed.