Urgent! Must acquire bountiful supply of water with great average kinetic energy!

For the past two days, there has been no hot water in my dorm. The chance that someone will care enough to rectify this atrocity over the weekend is best represented by what mathematicians call an "infinitesimal" (defined as a number which is not zero, but is just close enough to be confusing).

So I may be looking at four days--likely more--without a shower.

This is a problem because
(1) Guys smell
(2) I am a guy

Now, I am by no means compulsively clean, germophobic, or otherwise particularly dispositioned to mortally ally myself against the forces of grime. But I must shower every day. This is mandatory. If I don't, Donald Trump eats a kitten. Perhaps an entire box of them.

I have to hang around for a Saturday paintball class; however, I am considering driving home afterward, an inclination which may be made even more compelling once I am sweaty and covered in starchy paintball-goo.

Or I could quit being such a pansy and take a cold shower. The main issue I have with that is that it would be cold. Very cold. It is well-known that if you know you are going to be taking a cold shower, the temperature immediately plummets forty degrees. In fact, if showers with naked guys in them were declared an independent state of the union, they would beat out Montana and Alaska for states too cold to be habitable by polar bears.

If there were any upscale neigbhorhoods around here I would go knocking door to door asking to employ the services of their bathroom (nevermind their questions as to why I'm taking a bottle of shampoo with me). As is, I can think of few solutions not involving six or seven cans of Febreeze.