With the election drawing nigh, we all must choose which candidate we think, over the course of the next four years, will screw up the country the least.

But what issues are most important? Taxes? Social security? The war on terror?

Those are all pretty important, but what if the nation were attacked by flesh eating zombies? That would be the true test of a President's leadership abilities.

So, through an uberpowerful computer simulation written entirely in Logo, I have determined what would happen in each situation:

"This just in! The dead have returned from the grave to feast on the flesh of the living and are now advancing toward the Whitehouse. Also, a man in Pasadena California has a dog that can bark the national anthem of Uruguay. Breaking to live footage now...."

John Kerry's response:
"Crap! Edwards, get in here! I am letting you be president until the zombies are gone!"
"Uouuhhhh...."
"Edwards?"
"Oouuhhhh...."
"Edwards? Noooooooooo!"
John Kerry wet his pants and ran away in terror.
The zombies were already here. Soon they would feast upon his flesh. There was only one thing to do in such dire circumstances... call France.
"Hello?"
"Hello?"
"Jacque?"
"This is Jacque."
"This is John Kerry. I served in Vietnam. There is an army of flesh eating zombies advancing on the Whitehouse. I need your help!"
"Zombies? Attacking?"
"Yes!"
"I'll see what I can do. Check your fax machine."
Chirac hung up and John Kerry ran to his fax machine.

There was a singled printed sheet of paper waiting for him:


"Oouuhhhh....oouuhhhh...."
The Edwards zombie closed in on John Kerry.
"Nooo! Stay away! I served in Vietnammmm!"


Bush's response:
"The dead? Rising? I know enough about voter turn out to know that dead people vote Democrat. They must be out to lobby against my new healthcare package! I must do something!"
"Uouuhhhh...."
"What did you say, Dick?"
"Uouuhhhh...."
"You know, I used to have those same pronunciation issues. Have you tried practicing with a pen in your mouth?"
"Oouuhhhh....oouuhhhh...."
"Dick! You're a zombie! Nooooo!"
Bush ran away. There was only with thing to do. He ran to his office phone and hit the speed dial.
"Arnie!"
"I am Ahnold!"
"Arnold I need your help! Zombies are attacking!"
"I am Ahnold! I will crush them like girlie men!"
"Come quickly!"
"I am Ahnold!"
Bush hungup. Now if he could just stay alive for... for however long it would take Arnold to get to D.C. from California.
"I am Ahnold!"
"Arnold, you're here! How did you get here so fast?"
"I am Ahnold!"
"Arnold, we must defeat the evil zombie hordes, but how?"
Bush thought hard.
"Ow!"
Bush clutched at his temples. Thinking hard was more dangerous than it looked.
Suddenly, it came to him.
"Arnold, I know what we must do! I have seen a lot of zombie movies with lots of gore and blood, but they are not real! The blood is just ketchup! So, if we can just get into Kerry's secret ketchup reserves.... Arnold? Are you listening!"
"Oouuhhhh....oouuhhhh...."
"Nooooooooooo!"

So, you see, both candidates would be miserably crushed if ever matched against flesh eating zombies. But Arnold is cool. So vote for Bush