"I'm telling you, Dick, he's in New York!"
"Yes, yes, I know. You've said it a hundred times. And I'm telling you, Mr. President, it was probably just a cab driver or something."
"But I saw him!"
"Look, let it go. Do you know how stupid it would be for Osama bin Laden to come to America. That would be almost as stupid as heading straight to Guatmo."

* * *

"So how do I get to Guatmo after I hit Florida?" Osama bin Laden inquired. Osama bin Pappy shook his head.
"This is the dumbest idea you've ever had, my Osama bin son. And that's saying a lot."
"Don't you trust me, Osama bin Pappy? Don't you believe in me?"
"No, my son. In fact, I'm so certain you are going to botch this up that I'm coming with you. Now you and Muhammed Ali-habbi-Q'pabbi load up the caravan! It is going to be a long ride!"

* * *

The noon sun burned down overhead. The Osama bin caravan languished under the dry heat.
"Water.... water...." Osama bin Laden gasped.
An oncoming semi-truck swerved to avoid them, running into a firehydrant and raining city water into the sky.
"Ah... thank you, Allah!"
They were only almost halfway down Central, but Osama bin Laden was horribly out of shape. Mostly, the only thing he used to do for exercize was to sit in his cave shaking his fist. Sometimes he would shake it at the evil Americans. Sometimes he would shake it at the evil Israelis. Mostly, he would shake it at his broken TV.
"Curse you imperialist American television set! Why won't you play evil imperialist American Spongebob Squarepants! For the love of Allah, it's a new episode!"
There was much honking from behind.
Unbeknownst to the travelers, a dark figure darted behind them.
"Aha!"
Bush emerged from the shadows.
"I knew Osama bin Laden was here! I knew it!"
Bush paused. If he tried to get Dick to help him, Dick would only think he was nuts. And it would be dangerous to tell Rummy that Osama was here; he might carpet bomb New York.
"It seems I must capture Osama bin Laden myself. But Osama has a terrorist caravan to protect him. How can I defeat a caravan?"
Bush thought hard. He would need a dozen more people, some black sheets, llamas, and swords.

* * *

"Quit honking, you infernal Americans, or I shall have Abu detonate himself in your vicinity!"
By this time, most of New York's traffic was backed up behind Osama bin Laden's caravan. Even the traffic cops were trapped a good four hours away. Cabbies were starting to wear out their middle fingers.

Just then, Osama bin Pappy noticed a dark rider appear on the horizon. And another. And another. Osama bin Pappy shrieked in terror.
"MARAUDERS!!!"