You would think it was safe. You would think it was inanimate. You would think wrong.

It was a sunny Friday afternoon. I went to school completely oblivious. Little did I suspect that, this time, even obliviousness was not enough to protect me.

After fourth period I went to AP Physics. It was the usual bunch of ruffians and hooligans. I was one of them.

Class was about to start, so once inside the classroom I mosied over to an innocent looking desk and wedged my full upper body through the bars which affix the backrest. Ah. . . how tranquil. . .

Satisfied, I tried to get back out, but lo! The desk had constricted its heinous jaws of DEATH! I desperately struggled to free myself to no avail. Time was running out. It was only a matter of moments before the desk would begin to secrete its powerful digestive enzymes. I shut my eyes and everything went dark.

Just then, some nice girls from my calculus class espied my predicament and launched themselves to the rescue. With the strength of four-thousand koalas and one wildebeest they wrestled with the horrific desk-creature until finally I was free.

If it wasn't for those girls, I would probably not be here right now.

This is only one story of innumerable thousands when desks have attacked. I'm lucky to be one of the few survivors. Please, please, please, DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES SIT IN A DESK OR IF YOU DO COAT YOURSELF IN DESK-MUSK AND MAKE DESK NOISES SO IT THINKS YOU'RE JUST ANOTHER DESK! REALLY! I'M SERIOUS! WOULD I USE ALL CAPITAL LETTERS IF I WAS LYING TO YOU?