Dealing with Res Life

It's important to make routines in life... routines help keep everything rigid and organized. One of my favorite routines is the one I presently have going on with the campus housing department:

  1. The administration sends them a silly idea.
  2. They forward the silly idea to me.
  3. I send them a silly idea back!
  4. They tell me they hate me and not to do it again.
Here are some examples of this routine in action:
From Sarah-Weather-Changer, the evil enchantress of the weather:
Dear South Hall Residents,

I don't know about you, but my room in South has been pretty chilly these past few mornings. South Hall is on a community air conditioning/heating system, which means everyone's air conditioner has to be changed over to heat at the same time. Please let your RA know when you personally are ready to switch to heat, and we'll make the conversion as soon as the majority of South residents are ready. Please keep in mind that once we turn the heat on, we won't switch back to A/C until the spring.

My reply:
From the plotted malady of Sarah-Weather-Changer:
Dear Residents,

I wanted to let everyone know that Monday, February 19, is Research At Tech Day,
where potential students and parents will be coming to see the campus.
Residential Life will be giving tours of the common areas of your residence hall
throughout the morning starting at 10:15am and ending in the early afternoon.
We just wanted you to know so you won't be caught off guard when large groups of
strangers are wandering around your hall. :)

If you have any questions please don't hesitate to contact Residential Life.
Thank you,
What is with the "potential students and parents"? Is Sarah recruiting pregnant mothers to help her raise an army of indoctrinated minions? While I can only guess at the sinester mega-plot which motivates Sarah's message, for now I shall continue to play her game:

My reply:
So, I gather either
(1) You are very discerning concerning my lack of social aptitude and have therefore decided to act to intervene in the anticipated anxiety attack.
(2) You are giving me a covert instruction to repel the scurvy invaders.
(3) You are giving me a covert instruction to prepare an enticing example of life at Tech for the incoming potentials, such as flying down the stairs in a shopping cart in a ninja costume. (While on fire.)
(4) You are politely informing me that I should plan to be absolutely anywhere else than Tech come 1015 Monday morning and are perhaps willing to make this worth my while. (Breakfast? Access codes to EMRTC storage facility?)
(5) You wish to surreptitiously ascertain whether I am still alive after refusing to yield to your threats to turn off the air conditioning.

Regardless, I am hurt that you would refer to my area of residence as "common." No, my dorm does not have the sort of fancy things that you are probably accustomed to as a "Residential Life Coordinator", like crystal chandaliers and swimming pools full of jello, but it does have a poster with kitten on it, and dangit, that kitten is pretty cute.
From Alice, Alien Advocate:
Just an FYI, DO NOT have your thermostat below 68 degrees. This will freeze and damage the compressor. We have received numerous work orders for a/c not working and facilities personnel have found the thermostats too low and in some cases the compressor ruined. We have had two so far that will have to be replaced. If this continues residents will be charged for the replacement of damaged compressors. Keep your thermostat between 68 and 70 degrees. Thank you.
My reply:
Sure I will. I'll bet that's the temperature of your alien homeworld, isn't it? You figured you'd come to earth, snatch a few bodies, takeover the planet, and that would be that. But oh no! Your delicate extraterrestrial physiology can't handle earth's wildly variant temperature ranges... especially any temperatures below 68 degrees.

So you figured you'd use our own climate control facilities against us, and luxuriate in temperatures comparable to your homeworld. That's probably why you set up big CO2 manufactury stations--secretly terraforming our planet to conform to your insidious alien predilections.

But as it turns out, our climate control facilities can be used against you also.


Good luck taking over the planet, Alice. You'll need it.


Stew Magoo said...

Oh man, this is the funniest stuff I've read in a long long while. Keep up the fight brother.